A friend of mine in London moved out of his matrimonial home in England this week- leaving his wife of over 15 years and 2 kids. He left in search of peace, he said to me, “I only have one life”.
In today’s Nigerian UK diaspora, it is no longer news to ask about any Nigerian couple you have not seen or heard from in 3 to 5 years and hear that they have separated. It’s almost normal. The current ratio in the Nigerian UK diaspora is 8 in 10 Nigerian marriages have crashed and out of the balance of two, one won’t make it.
I saw the reality when I attended a Nigerian wedding four months ago for one of my young friends who was getting hitched. At a point on the dancefloor, you could see the alarming number of single mothers and single daughters of marrying age, all looking for boyfriends or husbands. Its rampant.
Nearly every week in the UK Nigerians over 40 years old (men & women) who have lived the first parts of their lives in Nigeria are divorcing – It does not matter whether the man brought the woman from Nigeria, or the woman brought the man, they are divorcing.
After divorce most of the Nigerian women focus on work, raising the kids and looking for a replacement man whilst most of the Nigerian men have remained single, stating they want to enjoy their life now with no woman, especially one from Nigeria. So, what is wrong with the Nigerian woman? What can she change? Is she willing to change or has she also giving up on the Nigerian man? The word on the Diaspora streets is Nigerian women in the UK who are divorced are only on the lookout for a “White Man”, no longer want any Nigerian or man from any other African race. God help us.
Having spoken on the above subject countless times on our weekly radio show on RTM Radio, permit me to share some submissions from the men as to why Nigerian marriages in the UK diaspora are not working.
Problem 1: Two Hustlers- The Nigerian woman and man from back home are too similar. She is a hustler like her husband who came to England for a better life. She thinks as quick as the man and in any situation, she will always have her own solution. She will use woman power to implement her decision over his. Everything becomes a tussle. This is the beginning of her taking control. Its like two men in the house.
Problem 2: Money is not love – Most Nigerian women feel “having money equals love” hence they do not know how to love their husbands. Nigerian men do not get the encouragement, emotional support or listening a woman should provide for her husband.
Problem 3: Abuse- There are no boundaries to the level of abuse a Nigerian man will receive from his Nigerian wife if he does not have money. They will hurl deep insults at you and your family. A divorced Nigerian man told me that his wife destroyed his soul with abuse. Many Nigerian men find it very hard to comeback from the abuse or see her as loving afterwards.
Problem 4: Lack of Encouragement– Men are dreamers and Nigerian men are no different. Dreams take time and will most likely humble you. Your Nigerian wife and her friends are most likely to laugh at you in this period. They will deny you, literally. Either you are making money now or studying to make more money. This is the only thing Nigerian women understand.
Problem 5: Comparisons-What My Friend & Their Husbands are Doing: Nigerian women compete with their friends and involve their own husbands. They do not support one another, they compete.
Problem 6: Investment in Nigeria/ Family in Nigeria: Many Nigerian women in Diaspora are seen as the breadwinners of their families back home and not wives to their husbands. They will give them all their salary to their family back home and expect their husband in diaspora to carry the load of their immediate family.
Cheating: Not many Nigerian women in diaspora can be found wanting here. The main problem of the Nigerian woman is money or a lack of it.
The only solution I can see is divorced couples having the bravery to reunite together when they know better. Leave shame behind. The sooner the better.
The editor